I am going to write about something I have not really mentioned in this Blog, and I am only finally getting to this very important part of my background because of some news I received last week, my Dad is getting married!
I am happy for him and his girlfriend, they are good together, and I really love her. I am very scared though of how my mom will react. Let me go back in time now...
My parents met in the 1960's, in Brooklyn's Coney Island, where my Dad was a lifeguard, and my mom a high school beach babe. They fell in love, and pissed off their families. My Dad was from a strict Catholic family, parochial school, church on Sundays, family dinner at 5, etc...my mom from a Jewish family, whose matriarch ran numbers and let in all sorts of strays, and patriarch was a NYC cab driver. So, as you can imagine...my mom's family saw him as 'goyem, my dad's family saw her as "different", and feel short of looking for the horns on her head. But they didn't care, they kept going, and soon became married, with me on the way only 8 months later. She was 18 when I was born, he 20. They were hippies in the 70's, and were ready to flee the country should he be drafted. They struggled to get by all my life. When I was 3, we left NY in a Willie's Jeep, packed with their friends, and headed out to California...not for oil like the Beverly Hillbillies, but to live in San Diego so my dad could study at Scripps. We stayed there only a few months, my mom missed Brooklyn and her family, and my Dad's hippie ways did not go over well in conservative San Diego.
Back in Brooklyn, my dad began to study leather and leather design, something he had gotten very interested while we were in California. They eventually opened a leather store off of Flatbush Ave in Brooklyn, and that was their livelihood. I was in kindergarten by this time, and my mom was pregnant with my sister. Before Jodi was born, we managed to rent the 1st floor of a private house in a nice neighborhood, trees, large Victorian homes, very comfortable. I think our rent was <$300. This was where we lived until I was 18, and I still yearn for the early years we spent in that house.
After my sister was born, money was more of a constant need, and my dad's store just wasn't bringing in the steady income we needed, so he went to work in the city for various companies, while hining his talents as an artist. Eventually, his talents became clear, as did his need to work independently, and my mom and he threw everything into a family business, allowing my dad to create his designs, but sacrificing their peace of mind by worrying about money, and working all the time on belts.handbags/designs/trade shows, etc. At the time, we were so young, we didn't know anything different, so we thought we were just like everyone else. Soon, we began to see we were different...our father was home during the day, working...but home. Our dad had long frizzy hair, our mom wore jeans and sweatshirts, and our furniture and dishes were totally mismatched and rundown. Soon, I started to realize that we were different, not in a bad way, but definitely different than the Irish Catholic neighbors on the block, or the Jewish Americans I went to school with.
Fast forward 10 years or so, when I was in High School. My mom decided to pursue her GD, then an associates degree, which she did. She even got offered a full scholarship to Columbia for her Bachelor's, which she turned down so as not to be away from us, and my dad's business!!!!! She also got a job, at a leather store in Brooklyn Heights, for a friend of my Dad's. We needed the extra money, and she went to work. My sister and I became latch key kids, but my dad was also home most days working. This was the beginning of the end...
I graduated High School, and went away to college in upstate NY. At the time I left, things were tense between my Dad and I, but I thought things between my mom and dad were cool. I found out otherwise when I went home for Winter break. Unfortunately, my lack of attendance and studying caught up with me, and I was sent my grades via Fed Ex...never a good thing, this method of delivery was only used it you were suspended or dismissed. I was dismiised, but being that I was a freshman, I was given a chance to appeal to the school board and gain re-admission on a probationary basis. After several hours of arguing with my parents, we agreed that I should appeal...but this was not before my Dad said I did not deserve to go back to college, and my mom threw a bowl of spaghetti at him. It was awful, and Jodi was hysterical, so she and I left the house for a bit. It was then that I realized 2 things...1), I had to get myself readmitted to college away from home, and 2) things at home were not good...there were issues I was not aware of.
I did get back into school, and I gave 110% when I got back there. Things were ok, I had no bad news from home, and my grades were good, and I began seeing my now-husband, I was happy. But when I went home for spring break, I found out that my dad, who had recently moved his workshop to a loft in downtown Brooklyn, was no longer staying at home much. And I sensed a rift. But I went back to school, finished out the semester, still not knowing what was going on....til summer break....BAM! I overheard an argument, and heard my Dad say he was leaving. WOW. I was angry, I wanted my mom to say she was leaving him. She didn't deserve to be left, but she didn't stand up for herself either. I didn't know what to think, I didn't like him much when I was a young adult, we argued all the time. Two very stubborn, strong willed people with VERY different opinions on life...that was us. Its funny, because he and I look like identical twins, and we have so many similar traits...traits that kept us at odds when I was a teenager. He tried after they split though, he came up to school to take care of me when I was sick (his holistic way of course), he took me skiing. He really tried.
And then he met Lucy! I was afraid to meet Lucy, and I think she was even more afraid of me. But I liker her right away, it was hard not to. She is very sweet, very warm, and she obviously loves my dad for who he is. That is huge. Her presence made it easier for my dad to relate to me as an adult, and our relationship became less strained. She has been in his life now for about 17 years (I think??), and after some on and off again bumps in the road, they are getting married. They love in New Mexico, and are planning a very esoteric wedding, one I would love to be at. My daughters have been asked to participate, and I know it will be a joyous day for everyone...except for one person, my mom.
I am terrified of how she will react, so terrified that I have insisted my dad pick up the phone and tell her the news. I hope he does what I have asked, and I hope she realizes that this is not a slam on her, but rather a new chapter in his life. My family has never healed from this split, it has been a rough 20 years. My sister has paid in prices that I won't even go into, my mom is always anxious and her self esteem is solow. I have had the benefit of a stable relationship with Chris, and some very good friendships to help me through it. I do not harbor grudges, it is unhealthy and eats you up from the inside. This is why my Dad and I are ok now, I know he left to stay healthy, and I have followed in his footsteps. As soon as I was able, I left the family home, and moved out on my own, and began my adult life. I had to, I had to save myself, and 20 years later, I can confidently say I am ok.
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